You Can’t Always Get What You Want… At Least Not When You’re Five.

April 25, 2012

Girl Duality gave me another homework assignment. She said I had to talk about a toy I wasn’t allowed to have when I was a kid, but always really wanted.

I have two stories about this.

Story number one starts with this amusing picture.

Maximus, sans fortress

Tiny bodies with big heads are comedy gold

I want to tell you a story. A story about a young boy with a dream. What dream do you ask? Why the only true dream. The dream of some day becoming an astronaut. He thought about it day in and day out. He studied hard in school, and learned all about spacy stuff like comets and black holes and green women who will have sex with you in Orion. Then one day he learned a terrible truth. He was deathly allergic to solid state rocket fuel. Going within a two mile radius of the stuff would kill him in under 5 minutes. His hopes dashed the boy became despondent… until one day he saw something that made his face light up again. It was a commercial for a toy. Not just any toy, but the greatest toy of all time. Fortress Maximus. Unfortunately, the boy’s parents weren’t what you would call “rich” so the super expensive toy would elude him. Poor kid.

The boy grew into an overweight and childish man. One day, he was telling a friend about his dream, and his friend gave him something. It was a toy robot that turned into the head of this giant. The friend lamented that he couldn’t give him the entire toy, or even the head of the smaller guy, but he supplemented it with the head of a similar robot, which worked just fine.

However our hero still lived in regret. He craved Fortress Maximus after all these years. He spent hours on message boards about Transformers, suppressing his sadness as he discussed his hobby with others, and felt a lump in his throat whenever anyone mentioned owning the toy he so desired. Eventually it became too much and he blurted out “I NEED A BODY!”

Enter the Puppet Master…

Yes ladies and gentleman, a couple of years ago a guy named Jerrod made my dream come true. For a very economical price (more than the original MSRP, but hey, much less than Ebay) he has made me the proud owner of a Fortress Maximus. It is in great shape for what it is, has almost all the pieces for the body including all but one of the ramps. I am in so much love with this thing right now. Here’s a picture!

robots, are kinds like sex all over your face

I know, I know, I've used this image already. Sue me!


Story the second, this one won’t be as long, because it’s similar to ErR0R42′s


Picture it, the summer of 1986 I was five and I liked Masters of The Universe… I don’t know why. There was one toy in particular that fascinated me. King Hiss


Doctor Hiss?


Pretty boring looking right? Just some dude in green eh? Five year old NLTAG was borderline retarded you’re saying?

Well; 1)¬† That last one was just mean, and 2) You’re wrong, so screw you! King Hiss like most toys I was in love with at the time had more to him than meets the… jeez… I almost did that. Anyway, he had a cool gimmick! You can take his skin off to reveal that he’s actually:



Aw, it's cute.


Yup, dude’s a clump of snakes wearing human skin. TERROR-FUCKING-FYING!

I wanted it so bad, but I only got toys for my Birthday or Hanukkah from the parents really, so the only chance was my grandfather.¬† Now the rule was, if you were at the Grandparents house for the day, then you’d get candy. If you were there a second day though, the first day was candy day, and the second day was toy day! My brother and my cousin and I theorized, that if by some chance you stayed a third day it would be candy and toy day, but I don’t think that ever happened…

As I was saying, on a toy day, my grandfather packed me and my little cousin in the car, and we went to a store called Masters. This was up in Sullivan County, I suppose the place is still there, it was a Five and Dime type place, pretty packed with all kinds of stuff from what I remember, They had King Hiss, that was for sure, and I was going to get it. Grandpa took it up to the register, along with whatever my cousin wanted, probably a Hotwheels, he had a bunch of them. So he give em to the guy and tries to pay with a credit card. The cashier tells him no credit for purchases under $20, and Grandpa’s like “I don’t have any cash.” meanwhile 2 kids, standing there, waiting for awesome toys.

From what I recall, it was over quickly. Grandpa¬† told the guy where he could stick his stupid policies, told him the kids were crying because of it, and got us out of there. Fuck that guy, seriously! Anyway, I think we went to Jamesway instead, but they didn’t have King Hiss, so I probably got a Go-Bot.




Tags: , ,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *